


hardest to love

by kiyojima



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Bottom Sakusa Kiyoomi, Boyfriends, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Gentle Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Ill add more tags as I go along, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Miya Atsumu is a Little Shit, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, POV Sakusa Kiyoomi, Panic Attacks, Post-Time Skip, Pro Volleyball Player Sakusa Kiyoomi, References to Depression, Sakusa Kiyoomi is Bad at Feelings, Sakusa Kiyoomi-centric, Sakusa has OCD, Soft Miya Atsumu, Top Miya Atsumu, anxious sakusa kiyoomi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:07:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28836075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiyojima/pseuds/kiyojima
Summary: Even if he did fall in love with Atsumu over the years they spent together; it didn't mean that Atsumu would ever love him back. All Kiyoomi did was be rude to Atsumu and blow him off whenever he wanted to talk. He was closed off and gave the inescapable twin the cold shoulder.And Kiyoomi knew more than anyone that Atsumu hated rude people like him. He knew how Atsumu talked about him behind his back, asking their teammates what was wrong with Kiyoomi. He knew that Atsumu only talked to Kiyoomi for his own entertainment and to laugh about it with his brother over the phone when he got home that night, making fun of how stiff and freaky his teammate was.Who in their right mind would find Sakusa Kiyoomi attractive and desirable? He was a freak.// slow updates! i have a shit ton of school work //
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 20
Kudos: 94





	1. wasted potential - one

**Author's Note:**

> hi, this is my first story on here! i hope anyone who finds this fic enjoys it as much as i do while writing it. it'll be over ten chapters long, but this may change over time. thank you for taking time out of your day to read my work! i love you! 
> 
> (tw) clear descriptions of panic and anxiety attacks, curse words, slurs regarding mental disorders, depression, self-degrading thoughts [pls let me know if there needs to be any other warnings!]
> 
> disclaimer: i'm well aware that sakusa's germophobia isn't nearly as serious as i am writing it to be in this fic. i just chose to write it this way.

Kiyoomi pressed his calloused palm against the smooth material of the blue and yellow volleyball. He didn't quite hit it- he just appreciated it in his hold. Volleyball was his comfort hobby, though he wouldn't call it a hobby since he played for a professional team. 

He closed his eyes as his lips parted against his mask. With the volleyball in hand, he sat with his back to the wall of his team's gym. It was early in the morning,⎯ only five am, but practice started early for Fridays. Thirty minutes more and the rest of the MSBY Black Jackals would arrive. Kiyoomi was sitting on a clean mat with his long legs crossed and his body peaceful. His ears listened to the quiet hum of the air conditioner blasting in the gymnasium to cool down the warm summer morning in Japan. Everything was going perfectly fine for him... until a loud bang of the doors opening jolted him out of his calm state. 

"OMI-KUN, ARE YA' HERE ALREADY?" a certain blond-haired boy screamed out loud for the world to hear⎯ his irritating voice bouncing off of the walls. 

Kiyoomi's jaw clenched prominently, and his eyes rolled back to his head behind his lids. He gritted his pearly teeth, wanting to kick the stupid twin up his ass. He opened his eyes and checked the time on his wristwatch, frowning when the time only showed 5:10 am. There was still twenty minutes left until practice, and Miya usually showed up thirty minutes later, not early. 

"What're ya doing hiding here, Omi-kun? Let's practice our serves!" Miya yelled enthusiastically, crouching down and grinning in Sakusa's face.  
Kiyoomi blankly stared at him, giving the older boy no reaction. His lips were turned downwards, but Miya couldn't possibly see that because of the mask. 

God, how Kiyoomi would love to punch him in the face. There was nobody he despised more than Miya Atsumu,⎯ an arrogant little shit with no sense of respect. As an adult with OCD and germaphobia, Kiyoomi couldn't stand people getting near him, but Atsumu always found ways to bother him. Nobody on the team knew about his disorder, but they had interacted with him enough to know there was something wrong with him. Seriously, who would take up all of their break time during games to wash their hands? 

"Get away from me, Miya," Kiyoomi spat venomously as he glared at the smiling twenty-five-year-old. He subconsciously gripped the volleyball closer to his chest and tensed up. Atsumu didn't move from his spot. He sat crouched down in front of the sitting man⎯ chin in his palm as his elbow was planted on his knee. He tilted his head and stared hard. The stupid smile never left his face and Kiyoomi began to grow uncomfortable. He held his breath and clenched his fists, holding his challenging gaze with Atsumu until he just gave up and lowered his eyes to the dirty floor. Atsumu chuckled lowly at that and Kiyoomi fought back a blush. 

He did not like Miya Atsumu. 

"Well, if yer not gonna play with me, I guess I'll just sit down with ya, huh Omi?" he sighed with a smirk. His dirty fingers inched towards Kiyoomi's gym bag, and Kiyoomi immediately yanked it away from him, scowling. 

"Stop it. Go away," he repeated angrily. 

"Ugh, you're so boring, Omi-Kun. How will anyone like ya if you're just gonna be like this anytime someone talks to ya?" Atsumu rolled his brown eyes, lifting himself from the ground. 

Sakusa didn't look at him. He already knew that. Nobody would like him even if he was nice to them. Sakusa Kiyoomi just wasn't lovable. He pretended Miya's teasing words didn't hurt his feelings and clutched his bag to his chest, staring at the ground. 

No one ever stayed long enough for him to open up. 

.

.

.

"Nice kill!" Hinata, an overly excited boy, yelled. He jumped practically ten feet into the air, his short legs kicking up. Bokuto, another just as equally excited boy, slapped his palms against Hinata's. They shared a rough high-five, one that made Hinata stumble back a bit as he laughed vibrantly. Together, they began to jump around the gym in cheer and high spirits. The rest of the team members only grinned as they watched the pair, except for Kiyoomi, of course. 

The moment practice ended, he stalked off to the bathrooms so that he could wash up before anyone else had the chance to. He didn't want to risk touching any germs. His body itched to be clean and made him feel anxious. After his thorough shower, he changed into new clothes and made his way out of the noisy locker room. He tried and succeeded in ignoring Bokuto and Hinata, who almost made their way to Kiyoomi if he hadn't rushed out with his bag clutched tight in his grip. That was the thing⎯ as crazy as his team was; they knew when Kiyoomi needed his personal space. 

"Not staying for lunch?" 

Oh. Well... almost all of his team knew when he needed his personal space. "No," Kiyoomi replied shortly and swiftly walked around Atsumu. 

The former didn't try to stop him, and Kiyoomi was grateful, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. Miya always had something to say to him, whether it be about his mask or his hand sanitizer or his abnormal behaviour. Kiyoomi still ignored him and just gave him the nastiest glare he could muster, not that it bothered Atsumu. Kiyoomi wondered if Miya Atsumu's favourite thing to do outside of volleyball was bothering him. But that thought disappeared once he met his twin, Osamu. Atsumu's favourite thing to do was most definitely annoy the shit out of his twin brother. 

Somehow, the thought made Kiyoomi's heart feel weird. It felt like he wanted Atsumu's attention on him instead. 

Which couldn't have made sense in the least. 

Because Sakusa Kiyoomi did not like Miya Atsumu. 

No... he loved him.

Kiyoomi hurriedly shook his head to get rid of his stupid thoughts. Even if he did fall in love with Atsumu over the years they spent together, it didn't mean that Atsumu would ever love him back. All Kiyoomi did was be rude to Atsumu and blow him off whenever he wanted to talk. He was closed off and gave the inescapable twin the cold shoulder. 

And Kiyoomi knew more than anyone that Atsumu hated rude people like him. He knew how Atsumu talked about him behind his back, asking their teammates what was wrong with Kiyoomi. He knew that Atsumu only talked to Kiyoomi for his own entertainment and to laugh about it with his brother over the phone when he got home that night, making fun of how stiff and freaky his teammate was. 

Who in their right mind would find Kiyoomi attractive and desirable? He was a freak. 

Along with everyone else Kiyoomi knew in his life, Atsumu also thought the germophobic boy was irritating to be around. Who wouldn't? 

Suddenly feeling very insecure, Kiyoomi adjusted his mask and yanked down his hoodie sleeves, hoping to turn invisible. He speed-walked back to his apartment and fiddled with his front door keys, attempting to open the door. His fingers were shaking, and he could feel the panic rising in his chest as he struggled to take his next breath. whywhywhywhywhy-

The moment his door opened, he rushed inside and ran to the bathroom. After ripping off his suffocating mask, he gripped the marble counters and tried to tame his harsh breathing. His mind was a mess, and he couldn't seem to remember the procedure his therapist told him to follow when he had a panic attack. All he could think about was how he didn't follow the routine he always does right when he gets home and how the dirty soles of his shoes were touching his bathroom tiles. The walls around him began to close in on him, and the room grew hotter. Kiyoomi's body swayed as his eyes had trouble focusing. 

Stop! Stop it! Stop! He wanted to scream for help and scream so loud that his neighbours thought he was getting murdered. But if he screamed, people would rush into his home and dirty his belongings and then dirty him. 

And Kiyoomi hated being dirty. 

But lately, he was beginning to think that he might've been the most filthy person alive.


	2. coffee shop - two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i already had this chapter written out beside the first one so here yall go. also, this fic doesn't follow everything in the original story. most of it is made up and fanon. 
> 
> i don't think any trigger warnings are needed for this chapter but if you feel like there needs to be, please notify me!!

Kiyoomi woke up the next day in an even more sour mood than the night before. His sore side was pressed against his mattress and his arms were numb from the way he slept on them. Groaning quietly, he lifted himself up and went straight to the bathroom to begin his shitty day. He showered, brushed his teeth and changed into casual clothes so that he could meet with his cousin, Komori for breakfast. 

They weren't exactly close but they did enjoy each other's comfort. Komori talked more than Kiyoomi so he usually just listened in peace while the other shared his wild stories. As much as Sakusa hated to admit it, he didn't mind having breakfast with his cousin every Saturday. He never left the house for anything besides volleyball and other essentials, so it was nice to get out once in a while with someone he didn't mind hanging out with. It wasn't like he had any other friends. 

After he finished pulling his beige sweatshirt over his head and torso, Kiyoomi unlocked his phone to the few messages his cousin had sent him five minutes ago. Kiyoomi didn't respond when he heard the ding of his notifications because he was in the middle of his routine. Due to his bad mood, if he messed up his routine, he would end up having an episode and he dreaded those. 

Good morning!!! 

Meet up at the usual place! I'm already here so I'll be waiting! 

Kiyoomi slipped his mask on and grabbed his small bag full of hygiene supplies, swinging it over his lean shoulders. As he made his way out of his apartment building and onto the quiet street he lived on, Kiyoomi thought about how fitting it was that Komori picked their usual spot to be at a coffee shop where customers were allowed to make their own beverages. 

Of course, that didn't stop him from completely wiping down the tables and seats. He knew everything would still be dirty, but cleaning it himself made him less paranoid. 

"Hey!" Komori Motoya called out with a waving hand when Kiyoomi entered the little coffee shop. Without saying anything, Kiyoomi walked over to him and wiped down his seat with a sanitary wipe before carefully sitting down. He nodded in greeting at his delighted cousin, who was sitting across from him. 

Komori was already sipping on his tea while nibbling on an egg croissant. Watching him made Kiyoomi feel slightly hungry, remembering how he didn't eat dinner the night before. However, he bit back his hunger and turned his head to glance outside the window. Kiyoomi did not enjoy eating out, though drinks were alright. 

"How was practice yesterday? You look a little tired..," his cousin took note with a concerned expression edging his soft features. 

"Fine," replied Kiyoomi. He was curt and quiet, not bothering to talk about why he might've seemed exhausted. 

Thankfully, Komori understood the hint and steered their conversation to a different topic. He began to talk about a funny accident that happened to his mother's dog when he visited over the weekend. Kiyoomi half-listened, just as he always did whenever Komori and him met up. Not that Motoya minded. He was used to Kiyoomi's silent treatment. 

"...are your new prescribed pills working well?" Kiyoomi's head snapped over to his cousin when he heard the hesitant question. 

He scowled behind his mask but Komori could see the irritated expression in his eyes and brows. He began to regret even asking in the first place. "I don't see how it's any of your business. Or is my mother putting you up to this again?"

By Komori's delayed response, Kiyoomi understood that his family was prying into his life again. It was unbelievable. After they kicked him out of the house at seventeen for choosing volleyball as a career path, they're still interested in breaching his privacy. His mother and father already hated him enough when he was a child diagnosed with OCD. They despised his cleaning habits and his panic attacks and his depression that came along with all of this. Growing up in a strict household, just using your left hand was a crime. Imagine how they reacted when they found out about their only son having a fucking mental disorder. 

"Dude, trust me. I don't want them to pry either but they keep pestering me about it. It's annoying as fuck. You're lucky I bullshit to them all the time anyways. I asked just now because I'm genuinely concerned and I want to know how you're dealing with the new changes," Komori explained seriously as he twisted his fingers around his tea cup. 

Kiyoomi continued to glare at him. It wasn't Komori's fault but he was still upset about his parents. He hated them so much and yet he couldn't bring himself to say that to their faces. 

"The pills are fine. I'm still getting used to them but they aren't as bad as the ones from last time," he muttered. 

Komori's eyes softened at his solemn cousin's response. He was glad that Kiyoomi trusted him enough to talk about such private matters. Sakusa went through a lot in his life that he shouldn't have at such a young age and it always made Komori want to hug him and tell him that everything would be okay. He had witnessed Kiyoomi's panic attacks firsthand and they were pretty terrifying. Komori felt as though he couldn't breathe himself. 

"I'm glad. Just call me if you ever need anything, I'll do my best to help. You aren't alone, Kiyoomi," he gently said to his cousin. 

Kiyoomi didn't answer. He looked away from Komori and stood up from his seat, slipping out of their booth and making his way over to the coffee machine. He made himself a black coffee to hopefully get rid of the stomach ache he had. As he poured his drink into his cup, he could hear loud chatter coming from near him. 

And he could recognize that two of the voices belonged to the Miya twins. 

Kiyoomi chose not to look up and scan the shop. Instead, he continued preparing his drink and grabbed a small stirring spoon. It was glass and the workers probably reused it, so Kiyoomi reached into his bag and pulled out another sanitary wipe. 

"Omi-kun! Wow! I never thought I'd see ya here!" Miya Atsumu exclaimed like a pig, gaining attention. 

Kiyoomi clenched his jaw and ignored the enlivened man. He continued to gently wipe the spoon down before throwing the used wipe into the small trash can below the counter. He stirred his coffee and grabbed one of those cardboard holders, pushing it down onto his cup. 

"I don't think he likes you," a voice that Kiyoomi couldn't recognize spoke. It was a quieter voice, much more calm than the Miya twins. Though it still had a rough edge to it. 

"Shut yer trap! He's just shy, aren't ya, Omi Omi?" Atsumu tried again, laughing with his friends and Kiyoomi could hear a muffled sound of pain. He assumed that Atsumu kicked one of them to shut up. 

Kiyoomi picked up his coffee and turned to make his way back to Komori, eyes cast downward. He wasn't in the mood to deal with Atsumu and his friends. He was already feeling shitty because of yesterday and he knew that he would be on the verge of an anxiety attack if he got ticked off. 

"Omi-kun! How mean!" Atsumu whined loudly and stepped in front of him to block his path. 

"You're so annoying, 'Tsumu. Can't you see he doesn't like ya? He's probably sick if he's wearing a mask so just leave 'im alone, alright?" Miya Osamu said in exasperation. Kiyoomi noticed that he sighed a lot. He seemed to be done with his twin brother's bullshit. 

Sick... That's probably what everyone thinks. 

"He's not sick! He's always wearing a mask. Omi Omi is just like that," Atsumu said, teasing Kiyoomi with his last words. 

"Move," Kiyoomi muttered, finally raising his eyes to look at Atsumu and his friends. He was feeling tired again and his coffee was getting warm in his hand. He didn't want to talk to anyone right now and Komori was probably watching him from their booth.

"Ah, so yer like one of them clean people," Osamu guessed.

Again, Kiyoomi didn't respond. 

Atsumu and Osamu were hanging out with three other people that he had never seen before. One had very gentle eyes, the other had cat-like eyes, and the last one had eyes that looked like he was tired of dealing with the twins. They were all staring at him and Kiyoomi was extremely uncomfortable. 

His hands began to shake, not from fear but from being around so many people at once. His vision became blurry and he suddenly wanted to be in the comfort of his own home. 

"Uh, Omi?" he could hear Atsumu call out with worry in his tone. 

Before Kiyoomi could pass out right there, he saw Komori rush over and steady him. Kiyoomi breathed out and let Komori touch him. He didn't mind it only because he trusted his cousin. 

"Kiyoomi-kun," Komori softly says. "Did you get your coffee? Come on, let's go get some fresh air, alright?" 

Kiyoomi nodded curtly and let Komori guide him away from the suddenly quiet group of friends. He held his coffee in a tight grip, willing his shakiness to go away. 

"You okay?" 

He nodded at his cousin. They crossed the street to get to the park across the coffee shop and when they arrived, they sat down on a park bench. Komori wiped it down for him. Once they sat down in the quiet area, Kiyoomi pushed his mask down to his chin and took a small sip from his now, cold coffee. 

He made a face and handed the cup over to Motoya, who shook his head with a smile. He took it from Kiyoomi and placed it down on the ground, planning to throw it away later. He could tell Sakusa was drained, emotionally and physically, so he patted his shoulder. "You can sleep for a little. I'll wake you up when we feel like heading home. I brought my laptop so I'm just gonna work on my essays." 

Kiyoomi hummed in appreciation and sat comfortably so that he could lay his head on his cousin's warm shoulder. Normally, touching anybody would be a big no, but Komori was alright. Besides, Kiyoomi really did feel like he was about to pass out and he would rather not take a nap on a park bench. 

He felt Komori shuffle around a bit, pulling his laptop out of his bag and onto his lap. Once he was settled, Kiyoomi turned a little so that he could press his face into Komori's shoulder. When they were children, they used to fall asleep like this, especially after Kiyoomi had a panic attack of some sort. His cousin was always there for him so he appreciated their small moments like these. 

He didn't want to think about stupid Atsumu at all. Not his concerned face and definitely not his guilty expression when Komori pulled him out of the shop. 

.

.

.

"So you're a dumbass," Suna deadpanned as he made his tea. 

"Very stupid," agreed Aran. 

"Atsumu, why were you bothering him? He looked uncomfortable," Kita said, frowning at the blond.

Atsumu gaped at his friends. "What are ya talking about? I didn't do nothin'!" Or so he wanted to believe. He didn't realize that he had made Omi anxious. Atsumu never really cared about other people's feelings because he was a straightforward kind of guy. 

"That's the guy yer' crushin' on? Hate to break it to you, 'Tsumu, but he's way out of your league," Osamu whistled with a full blown smirk. 

"Shut up, 'Samu! You don't know shit!" Atsumu argued with blushing cheeks and a deep pout. As if Sakusa Kiyoomi would ever like Atsumu back. He was too annoying to be around, especially when it came to Kiyoomi. He always said the wrong shit and ended up getting on his nerves. 

"I agree with Osamu. That Kiyoomi-kun looks a little out of your league, no offense. Plus- he looks like he hates you with every bone in his body," Suna commented rudely and with full offense. 

Atsumu ignored his friends and walked out of the shop behind them. He knew more than anyone that Omi was out of his league. That man was just too beautiful. From the way his black curls fluttered across his face and his cheeks would heat up behind his mask whenever Atsumu teased him, Sakusa Kiyoomi was absolutely breathtaking. 

"Ugh," Osamu glared at him. "Will ya stop fantasizing about fuckin' him into your bed?"

"'SAMU, SHUT YER MOUTH!" Atsumu yelled and covered his burning face. 

Actually, he was more concerned about the identity of that man Omi was with. Who was he? And how was he allowed to touch Sakusa? Nobody has ever been able to touch him outside of volleyball. Atsumu never met any of Kiyoomi's friends and seeing him hang out with someone was a little bit of a shock to him. 

He was feeling pissed off if he had to admit. 

"Hey, look. They're right there," Aran pointed out, gesturing to the two people sitting on a park bench. 

They walked over and saw the other dude typing away on his laptop with his airpods in. Beside him all cuddled up was Kiyoomi, who appeared to be asleep with his face buried against the man's shoulder. His fingers were trembling as he just barely gripped his sweatshirt. Of course, his mask was still on. In all honesty, he looked quite cozy. 

This had to be the biggest shock of Atsumu's life. The Sakusa Kiyoomi cuddling someone while he was sleeping. 

Atsumu subconsciously clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. 

"Uh, hey man," Osamu greeted unsurely. Komori's line of vision rose from his laptop in confusion and he took his airpods out, staring up at the five men. 

"H-Hi?" Komori stuttered, feeling overwhelmed. He lowkey thought he was about to get beat up and wasn't sure whether he should wake Kiyoomi up or just run. 

But then he recognized the men as the people who were bothering his cousin and suddenly frowned. He knew Miya Atsumu was on Kiyoomi's team but that didn't mean he wasn't giving his cousin shit for having OCD. If he did have to fight these guys, he would call his best friend, Ushijijma to come back him up. 

"Sorry about earlier. We weren't trying to be annoying. Is he good?" Osamu continued politely, shutting his brother up before he could start shit with Komori out of jealousy. 

Motoya relaxed slightly when he realized that they weren't here to pick a fight. To answer the gray-haired man, he tilted his head to glance down at the sleeping Sakusa. He could hear steady, faint breaths. "Yeah, he's good," he replied as he looked back up. 

"Who are you?" Atsumu spat, glaring harshly at Komori. Atsumu was usually very smiley so when he got pissed, he was extremely intimidating. Osamu rolled his eyes at his brother's childish antics. Aran, Kita, and Suna sighed. They had seen enough of overdramatic Atsumu in their life already. 

Komori tensed up, easily cornered. "I-"

"Talk quieter, Komori," Kiyoomi mumbled tiredly into his cousin's shirt, eyes still closed. 

Komori nudged him. "H-Hey, if you're awake, help me out here..." 

Kiyoomi sighed exhaustedly, releasing the grip he had on his clothing. "... wanna go home," he silently groaned. His body felt uncomfortable on the park bench and he was starting to feel gross again from the amount of time he was spending outside. All he wanted right now was his bed. 

"Okay, okay. I'll take you home," Komori huffed while putting his things back into his bag. 

"Hey," Atsumu called out again. His tone was rough and he was now glaring at Kiyoomi, who hadn't noticed any of them. "Little Omi got a boyfriend?" he smirked teasingly, yet nothing in his eyes showed that he was playing around. 

Sakusa's head turned on Komori's tense shoulder, seeing as he was too tired to lift it up. He didn't even realize that the Miya twins and their friends were here too. Boyfriend? Kiyoomi's heart sped up. Was Atsumu jealous? 

No... that couldn't be it. He was probably just being an asshole again. 

"Ugh, Ushijima-san said the same thing when he first met you," Komori shook his head at the memory. 

Kiyoomi rolled his eyes and lifted his head, pausing for a moment when he felt dizzy. Komori handed him his water bottle, which he gladly took a swing out of. After drinking most of the water, he stood up along with Komori, who was putting his bag on. 

He glanced at Atsumu and his little clique. Snorting, he rolled his eyes again. Atsumu grit his teeth and suddenly wanted nothing more than to get rid of Sakusa's fucking bratty behavior towards him. He could think of quite a few ways to do so and Kiyoomi would be screaming in all of them. 

"I'm not his boyfriend. That's really gross," Komori shuddered and frantically shook his head. 

"He's my cousin," Kiyoomi smirked at Atsumu over his shoulder before walking away. 

"Kiyoomi-kun!" Komori scolded, not appreciating Kiyoomi's tone. He quickly turned around to face the group and gave a polite head nod before rushing to meet Kiyoomi's long strides. 

"You look like an idiot, not a surprise though," Osamu commented snidely. Suna was busy laughing his ass off while Aran and Kita shook their heads in shared disappointment. 

Atsumu glared at his twin brother and shoved him away. "It's not funny! I didn't know! How should I know that he has a cousin? I've never seen Omi so relaxed so I assumed it was a boyfriend!" 

Ugh. Atsumu was starting to regret even opening his mouth. He wanted to smash his head against a wall and get rid of the embarrassment he was drowning in. 

Well, at least he didn't have to resort to secretly beating up Kiyoomi's cousin and burying him six feet under. 

If it was any other man, Atsumu was sure he would've hurt them for touching his Omi Omi.


	3. wet dreamz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little bit of barely-there smut! hehe 
> 
> again, random characters in the haikyuu universe just meet and become best friends. it isn't canon at all but it seemed fitting for the chapter, so yea

_Kiyoomi's wavering breath was hot and flustered. High pitched whines escaped through his wet and swollen lips as he sucked on the other man's fingers. The rough digits rubbed his pink tongue, pushing in deep before gently pulling out when his eyes fluttered shut. Kiyoomi's body was being explored by another man and strangely, he never wanted it to end._

_"Good boy," the voice above him whispered. It was raspy and deep, sounding like they were restraining themselves. As they spoke these words, their fingers travelled deeper into Kiyoomi's mouth until the trembling boy gagged around them._

_Oh god, Sakusa thought in pure bliss. He looked up at the blurry man through his long lashes with hooded eyes and flushed cheeks. More. Please..._

_The man slowly pulled his fingers out of Kiyoomi's mouth, letting an erotic string of saliva follow. With his wet digits, he rubbed his fingers on Kiyoomi's bottom lip and then gently pulled it down. From the fucked out face the younger man was giving him, the hooded stranger felt as though he could come right there._

_"...I want..," Kiyoomi whispered just barely- trailing off with a hushed moan. He wasn't sure what he was asking for but he would gladly take whatever was given to him like a good boy._

_Through his half-closed eyes, he could make out the stranger taking their pants off and moving to place their knees on either side of his head. A little startled, Kiyoomi glanced up at the man and flinched when he saw the playful smirk dancing on their lips. He subconsciously pressed his quivering thighs together in need._

_"Ya gonna take all of me in, hm?" the voice chuckled lowly, almost as if he were insulting Kiyoomi for being so slutty underneath him._

_Kiyoomi nodded in a daze, pouty lips parting. He let out a noise of surprise when the man's long and thick cock bounced out of his boxers, lightly touching Kiyoomi's cheek. The man continued to drag the head of his cock along Kiyoomi's flushed face, revelling in the way he looked up at him with such lustful eyes._

_The man grabbed his cock and pressed it to Kiyoomi's closed mouth. He rubbed it along his swollen lips and couldn't wait to see Sakusa's mouth stretched around his dick. He wanted to see the younger man gag and choke on his cock, trying to squirm away. He yearned to see Sakusa Kiyoomi's pretty face sobbin' on his dick with saliva dripping down his chin. He wanted to hear those muffled moans of pleasure and pain._

_He laughed at Kiyoomi's desperation to take his cock into his mouth and watched as the man flushed in humiliation. Even though Kiyoomi was beyond embarrassed, he couldn't help his raging hard-on. He liked the degradation, he basked in it._

_"Ya want me so bad, don't ya, Omi-kun?"_

_Kiyoomi rose his hooded eyes to meet the older man's gaze. Holding it, he opened his mouth and stuck his tongue out so that the man's cock could rest on the tip of his tongue. Pre-cum dripped into his mouth and Kiyoomi wanted to swallow it, but instead, he held his taunting gaze and gave a fucked out smile to the smirking man above him._

_"Ngh... please, Atsu..," he whimpered._

.

.

.

Kiyoomi walked into his local grocery store with flushed cheeks and wobbly knees. His hands were shaking as he gripped the grocery cart he was holding by his side. If the various spices on the stocked shelves could speak, they would've been spitting insult after insult- calling Kiyoomi embarrassing and such. He adjusted his mask and sighed, swallowing down his nerves. 

He couldn't believe he had such a crazy dream last night. Had he gone insane? Did he finally lose it? Sakusa Kiyoomi didn't _do_ wet dreams. He never had them as a teenager going through puberty. Even in the current time, he was as pure as a newborn puppy. He was a virgin in every possible way, even lip-locking. Not once had he ever jerked off. 

It was absolutely repulsing to think of, let alone do. Too dirty, too disgusting. When all the kids at school would talk about some porn they had just watched, Kiyoomi would plug his ears and press his head down onto his desk. Just hearing them talk about breasts, pussy, and semen was enough to make Kiyoomi want to gag. 

Yet here he was. Going on a random shopping spree at five am in the morning because he couldn't handle his own displeasure of waking up to soiled boxers. 

In all honesty, if it had just been a wet dream about something random, Kiyoomi wouldn't have minded. 

But it just had to be of Atsumu finger fucking his mouth...

"Is that Sakusa-san?" 

"I don't thi- Oh, it is! Hey, Kiyoomi-kun!" 

Kiyoomi turned around unwillingly to the lively voices of Hinata and Bokuto. They were grinning at him from the end of the aisle and started running over to him. It was a strange sight- one very tall and buff man running in a narrow space, alongside a much smaller man hopping his way over. In Kiyoomi's opinion, they looked like they had been through hell and back. 

Their clothes were all messy and their hair was sticking out in different directions. They also seemed to be stumbling a little, swaying as if they were drunk. And that's when Kiyoomi realized that they actually _were_ drunk. At five in the morning... 

And Bokuto was speeding towards him with open arms. 

"Bokuto-san, don't come any closer," he grunted irritably. When it seemed like Bokuto hadn't heard him, Kiyoomi flinched away from the man and abruptly turned around to avoid getting attacked. 

Unfortunately, he immediately bumped into another man's sturdy chest. He tensed when the man steadied him by touching his arms. His face accidentally pulled into a grimace and his shoulders scrunched up at the contact. His whole body was stiff and anyone who walked by would've thought Kiyoomi hated the world. Which wasn't entirely false... 

"My bad," the person apologized, letting go of Kiyoomi once he was upright again. 

Kiyoomi opened his eyes at the familiar voice and almost rolled his eyes when he saw Miya Osamu staring at him. Behind him, just like the week before, were their group of friends + Atsumu himself. 

Quickly looking away from Atsumu, who was pinning him down with his rough eyes, Kiyoomi pressed his mask tighter against his face to ease the slightly rising anxiety. His cheeks flared up at the sight of Atsumu, all memories of last night's dream flooding in. _Oh God..._ Kiyoomi squeezed his fingernails into his oversized sweatshirt. He felt underdressed, seeing as he rushed to the store after his wet dream and didn't bother changing out of his comfy clothing. He probably looked like a mess, wearing baggy sweatpants with an even baggier sweater and sporting dishevelled hair. 

"..'m sorry," he mumbled out an apology to Osamu, considering he was the one who bumped into the other first. 

"What are you doing here, Kiyoomi-kun! You should've responded to my text from last night! We all planned on going drinking together!" Hinata jumped, latching onto Aran's arm, who only smiled softly at the younger boy. 

Kiyoomi furrowed his eyebrows. He didn't know Bokuto and Hinata were close with the Miya twins' friends like that.

Pulling his phone out of his back pocket, he scrolled to his private messages with Hinata. The first few were reminders to come to said party so they could drink together, but the rest were sent later on in the night when Hinata was probably already drunk. "..m haviNG s0 mooch fun rite no! sksa sun, u sh0uld have cum*!4 (i'm having so much fun right now. sakusa-san you should've come)," Kiyoomi read the jumbled texts out loud as clear as he could. 

He then glanced up at Hinata, who was blushing in embarrassment. "Hey, you try texting when you're dr-drunk!" he hiccupped, obviously still slightly drunk. 

Kiyoomi rolled his eyes and turned back around to grab the spices he wanted. "I was busy. I'm sorry I didn't get to make it." He wasn't sorry at all. Kiyoomi would never ever step foot into someone else's home and drink with them. What a dirty mess. 

Bokuto gasped. "Huh! No, you weren't! We called Komori when we were at tsum-tsum's house and even made him turn the camera on. He showed us your face and you were sleeping so peacefully in bed!"

Kiyoomi clenched his jaw. "I'm gonna kill him," he muttered, thinking of Komori's stupid face. Of course, he just had to have dinner with Komori on the same night these assholes went drinking together. Snickers were heard from behind and Kiyoomi turned to face Bokuto while grabbing his basket from the ground. 

"Like I said," he repeated. "I was busy."

"Kiyoomi-kun..," Bokuto whined. 

"I'm gonna call Akaashi-san if you don't shut up, Bokuto-san," Kiyoomi threatened quietly. Akaashi Keiji was Bokuto's fiancé and Kiyoomi admired him for knowing how to deal with Bokuto's... moods. 

"No need, Sakusa-san," a soft-spoken voice responded. Kiyoomi was a little surprised to see Akaashi pop into their aisle, not because he was here, but due to the way he was even more dishevelled-looking than Bokuto. And he had multiple hickies on his exposed neck. 

"AKAAGSHIIII," Bokuto whined at his fiancé as his shoulders slumped. 

Now, Kiyoomi might've hated everyone in the whole world with a burning passion, but that didn't mean he wouldn't appreciate someone when he saw them. Akaashi Keiji was absolutely stunning even when he looked like an exhausted mess. Again, Kiyoomi admired the other man. 

"Come on, Kou, I'm tired. It's time for us to go home. We drank way too much," he mumbled while rubbing his eyes and grabbing his soon-to-be husband's hand. 

Bokuto immediately brightened up. "Okay! Let's go cuddle in bed, babe!" He let Akaashi-san drag him out, following behind like a lost puppy. 

"Goodnight, guys," Akaashi smiled softly at the men in goodbye and they all waved back. 

Kiyoomi assumed he was the only one wondering why he said goodnight instead of good morning. 

He was also wondering why they were even at the grocery store in the first place. How did they end up here after a night of getting drunk together?

They all looked pretty drowsy, talking amongst themselves about something, so Kiyoomi took that opportunity to sneak away silently. 

After he finished grabbing his necessities and made his way to the cash register, Atsumu approached him. Kiyoomi stiffened uncomfortably, scowling beneath his mask when the flustered flush overcame his cheeks once again. 

"Hi," Atsumu greeted boringly. Kiyoomi rose an eyebrow in confusion because he expected more crude words. 

Atsumu looked as great as always, despite going through Hell when he and his friends were all drinking together. His hair was chaotically sticking out everywhere, fluttering over his forehead. And his playful, chocolate-coloured eyes were gazing into Kiyoomi's sombre ones. He wore a white dress shirt tucked into gray suit-pants, looking undeniably handsome. The first few buttons were undone and if Kiyoomi looked hard enough, he would've seen Atsumu's pretty collarbones. 

Kiyoomi dug his nails into the palms of his hands, forcing his eyes away from the unreadable man. "Hi," he whispered back. 

"Maybe hi can be our always," Atsumu teased, grinning lazily. 

It was silent for a second before Kiyoomi snorted and let out a little giggle- _a fucking giggle_ \- how gross. "Shut up," he smiled under his mask, shaking his head. He felt giddy and somehow relieved. It was the first time there wasn't some weird tension between them. 

He glanced back up to see Atsumu gazing at him with... fondness? He looked to be in a daze, watching Kiyoomi with a soft smile on his lips. His eyes held sincerity. 

Kiyoomi immediately blushed furiously and turned his head away from Atsumu. _How embarrassing. First I have a wet dream about someone I barely even talk to, and now, I'm acting as if they'd ever think twice about looking my way._ At the grave voice in the back of his head, Kiyoomi stiffened and bit his lip anxiously. 

"I'm sorry... about last week," Atsumu said quickly, letting out a breath as he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. Kiyoomi flinched at his apology, facing the guilt-ridden man. "I, uh, I didn't know about yer... _germ_ thing. Even so, I guess I shouldn't have bothered ya so much. I won't bother ya anymore, so ya don't have to worry." 

For some reason, his words struck a nerve. Kiyoomi felt his blood boil at the pitied apology. Just like his insecurities had inferred, people either saw Kiyoomi as a piece of shit or as a freak they should pity. But of course, who would want to be friends with someone like Kiyoomi? Once they found out about his OCD, they would begin to distance themselves. Why did Kiyoomi ever think that Atsumu might've been different? Hell, he was the worst of them all. 

Yet he still clung onto that string of hope that maybe, _just maybe,_ Atsumu would accept every little thing about Kiyoomi. 

He was beyond foolish to think he even had the chance with someone like Miya Atsumu. 

"What, so you think I'm gross now? That touching me would make me pass out or some shit? Is that why you don't want to be friends anymore?" Kiyoomi spat without even realizing what he said in the end. 

Atsumu's eyes widened. "Friends? Wait, wait, wait. You're getting this all wrong-"

Kiyoomi's line of vision travelled until he saw Atsumu's brother and friends watching them from the end of the aisle. When they realized that Kiyoomi saw them, they scurried away. _Oh._ So that's what this was. Obviously, Atsumu wouldn't come to apologize or even talk to Kiyoomi out of his own accord. He should've known. 

"Whatever, it's fine," he mumbled out to Atsumu, cutting him off. "I was being dramatic anyway. See you at practice." Kiyoomi grabbed his cart and walked over to the cash register, ignoring the deep pang in his heart. 

While he walked home, it began to rain. What a fucking comedy. He couldn't stop his bottom lip from wobbling and sucked in a breath when his eyes watered pathetically. Could he get any more embarrassing? 

As much as other people hated Kiyoomi, they couldn't possibly compare to how much he already hated himself. 

.

.

.

"What are you making?" Komori asked him over the phone. 

Kiyoomi shrugged, but then answered vocally when he remembered Komori wasn't physically with him. "A smoothie."

"What kind?"

"Mango."

"Oh."

It was quiet after that, but Kiyoomi could hear the faint noises of Komori typing on his laptop. He still had a handful of essays to do. Kiyoomi muted himself when he turned the blender on and blankly watched his smoothie walk into the light of creation. It looked quite yummy if he had to say so himself. Fluttering around his small kitchen, he grabbed his favourite glass straw that had a little fox jewel near the top. He placed it into his drink and unmuted himself, lifting his phone camera to show Komori his smoothie. 

"You're mean," Motoya pouted as he salivated at the drink on his screen. 

Kiyoomi laughed shortly, smiling as he put the phone back down in its' place. He picked up his smoothie and took a sip, humming in appreciation. It tasted great. 

"...sorry," Kiyoomi apologized after a bit of silence. He had bothered Komori while he was in the middle of preparing for exams. He couldn't stop himself as he pressed on his cousin's caller ID. 

Kiyoomi didn't want to be alone after everything that had just happened in the grocery store. His thoughts were all self-degrading and noisy, bringing him into a state of panic. He wanted to feel loved even if it was just for a second, and the only person who could tolerate him was Komori. 

"Don't apologize. It's that prick who should be apologizing but for real this time. I don't understand why he has to stoop so low and pull a prank on you with his fucking friends. He made you feel like you're unworthy of having friends or some shit, just 'cause you have a mental disorder. He could've at least worded his apology better," Komori went into full-on rant mode. 

Kiyoomi shrugged, used to having people making him feel worthless. After all, his parents were the best at that. "Whatever, I shouldn't have expected much anyway. Nobody wants to actually be my friend but that's partly my fault. I'm pretty sure they all talk about me behind my back. If I wasn't one of their best players, my team probably would've openly shunned me. And you literally don't even count. You hang out with me because you're forced to.."

It was quiet again after that and Kiyoomi wondered if he opened up too much. He was putting a burden on Komori. He doubted Komori actually cared about his problems. Sighing, Kiyoomi reached forward in his seat at the kitchen counter to cut the call, but Komori stopped him. 

"Kiyoomi-kun," he gently called out, taking his eyes off of his laptop for a moment. "You know I care about you, right? I want to hear you. I'm listening all the time. I love you, okay?" 

_Liar._ Kiyoomi grazed his eyes over his living room to ignore the stinging in his chest. "Yeah," he mumbled, swallowing thickly. 

They cut the call shortly after that and Kiyoomi loathed himself for making the conversation awkward by talking about himself. He should've kept his stupid mouth shut. He always ruined the mood. 

Feeling like he had lost his appetite, Kiyoomi poured his smoothie down the drain and cleaned the cup before heading to his bedroom. He carried out his night routine before getting under his bed covers and closing his eyes. 

It was a restless night to say the least. 

.

.

.

MSBY's captain walked into Kiyoomi's dressing room wearing his own suit that matched with all the other members. "You're on in ten, Sakusa-san. I told them to lay out a plastic cover on the couch like you requested. Are you ready?" 

Kiyoomi nodded curtly, straightening his suit out. Meian-san smiled at him in encouragement, flashing a thumbs up like the good captain he was. "The rest of us will be watching from another room. You've got this and remember that you don't have to answer any questions that make you feel uncomfortable."

He nodded again, attempting to loosen his stiff shoulders by rolling them back. The MSBY Black Jackals had an interview tonight with a news company. They would be getting interviewed one-on-one. All of his teammates had already done theirs and Kiyoomi was the last one. He hated these interviews with a passion because they only ever asked him about one thing; his germaphobia. They made it his personality and he fucking loathed it. Everyone else got questions about their hometown, childhood, or even their favourite fucking foods. 

"Alright, good luck," Meian said before walking off. 

Kiyoomi wandered over to the interview room with his mask secured on his face and a pair of gloves safely fit onto his hands. He didn't want to go near a bunch of strangers without full protection. He was also expected to shake the interviewer's hand and he couldn't force himself to do so without gloves. At least they looked classy. 

"Sakusa-san!" a cheerful voice exclaimed and Kiyoomi glanced over to see a young lady with short, blond hair walking over to him. She grinned at him when she got close enough to hold a conversation. 

"My name is Hitoka Yachi! I'm your interviewer for today," she smiled brightly and Kiyoomi couldn't stop the spread of his lips. Her lighthearted spirit was impacting his cold exterior. 

She outstretched her hand for him to take and Kiyoomi hesitantly shook it, grateful that she didn't look at him like he was a freak for wearing fucking gloves. 

"Hello," he greeted politely, briefly shaking her hand before releasing it. He walked beside her as she gestured for him to follow her into the interview room. Once they got there, Kiyoomi carefully took a seat on the couch and sat with his back straight, hands folded neatly on his lap. Surprisingly, the atmosphere wasn't bad at all. There was only two other people working along with the kind woman, and the room was very clean. Kiyoomi felt at ease for the first time in an interview. 

"I've always wanted to meet you," she squealed a little, rocking to the side to show her excitement. The camera didn't even start rolling but she was already talking to him. Most of his other interviewers didn't speak to him at all until the camera began recording. Plus, Kiyoomi had never heard anyone say that to him. He didn't think he had any fans unlike Bokuto, Hinata, or Atsumu had. 

"Me too," he blurted but then blushed in embarrassment at his own words. "I-I mean, thank you."

Hitoka Yachi giggled at his mistake, fidgeting with her fingers. "So you're nervous too? This is my first time on the job and it was so scary interviewing your teammates. I thought I was gonna die. Volleyball players are so...," she made a gesture with her hands. "...huge!"

Kiyoomi let out his own small laugh. He liked her. He felt calm around her, like he wasn't the biggest fuck up in the world for once. And even if he was, Kiyoomi thought that she wouldn't mind. 

They talked for a little longer before the camera began rolling. Instantly, Kiyoomi's colder side came out. He could feel the questions about his disorder coming up. Even though this woman was extremely kind, he knew she had to follow a script. 

Again, they greeted each other just for show. To get the conversation going, Yachi talked about random things the MSBY Black Jackal fans have said. It was all polite things, of course, considering the fact that the interview had to be respectful. But then, Yachi asked Kiyoomi her first question and he froze up. 

"Sorry, could you repeat that?" he leaned forward in confusion. 

"No problem! I asked what your favourite food is," she grinned. "Your fans have been dying to know so they can figure out whether you have good taste or not! We all love men with good taste in food."

Kiyoomi blinked, letting the question sink in. He didn't get the same starting question he usually did so he was feeling quite baffled. "Uh," he stammered, wringing his fingers together with uneasiness. This is... strange... "I-I guess my favourite food is umeboshi."

"Umeboshi! That's my favourite too! Sakusa-san, the ladies and gentlemen will love you," she smirked and Kiyoomi found himself blushing. 

The interview went great after that and the whole time, he was smiling. His heart squeezed in content. He hadn't felt this peaceful in a while. 

"And our final question, but it isn't really a question: Tell us your favourite childhood memory! I think we all want to hear about little Kiyoomi-kun," she giggled. 

Kiyoomi took a moment to jump through his memory and sat up with a small smile when he recalled the perfect one. It was payback time for Komori showing his sleeping face to Bokuto and the others only two days ago. 

"When my cousin and I were little, we would walk to school together. One day, a few kids came up to us and started picking on me because of my Obsessive-Compulsive disorder. They thought it was funny trying to push me around and my cousin just got so angry," Kiyoomi started to smile at the vivid memory. "I remember how he stormed over and yelled at them to stop bullying me. When they didn't listen, he took a swing at one of the dudes and then, _completely_ missed. His fist punched through the air and it made him fall forward, face-first into the ground."

While he was in the middle of telling the story, Kiyoomi let out a small laugh. "Even though I was the one getting bullied, he was the one crying. Oh my goodness, he was crying so much. Crying before he took a swing and then crying some more when he fell. He's still such an emotional loser." He grinned behind his mask, but everyone could tell he was smiling due to the crease of his eyes. 

By the time he finished telling the story, him and Yachi were full-blown laughing. They could barely even breathe. It wasn't even that funny, but hearing Yachi laugh with him made him smile even harder. They both clutched their stomachs, laughing until their laughs turned into silent, open-mouthed cackles. 

Kiyoomi was behaving so out of character, but somehow, he enjoyed himself better like this. He felt free. He felt beyond happy; an emotion he hadn't felt in years or even _ever_. 

"He's gonna kill me," Kiyoomi giggled once they both settled down. 

"Your death will be avenged," Yachi spoke dramatically, saluting Kiyoomi playfully. "I haven't laughed this hard in months. I think I'll end up replaying this interview more than your fans." 

Kiyoomi smiled and shrugged. "I think we'll both be more than half of the views."

Kiyoomi only noticed the camera again once the interview was over. He blushed when he realized that his teammates probably saw him laughing over the T.V. _Atsumu_ probably saw him. Kiyoomi was about to ask the crew to take the laughing part out of the interview, but then he remembered they were live the whole time. _Shit._

"Sakusa-san!" Yachi squealed before Kiyoomi could spiral into an anxiety attack. "I know this is probably unprofessional, but can I please get your number? I would love to hang out with you or just go for a quick drink whenever you're free!"

Kiyoomi strongly felt as though he could trust Yachi with his life, so he gave her his number. Besides, he enjoyed her company even if they had just met. She was nice to be around and she respected his boundaries. 

"Oh, but," he squeezed his hands together anxiously, hoping he wasn't about to ruin their relationship. "I hope you aren't interested in me, like, romantically... I prefer men."

Yachi quickly shook her head, grinning. "No, no, of course not. I just like talking to you. You're so much cooler than most people I have conversations with. Also, I have a girlfriend," she blushed. 

Kiyoomi smiled and nodded. "Okay, that's good then. I hope we can be good friends," he tilted his head at her, grinning through his eyes. She jumped up and down excitedly. 

They talked for a little while longer before they parted ways. Kiyoomi made his way over to his dressing room and cleaned himself off. He still felt rather unclean. He couldn't wait to get home. Unfortunately, he had to sign out with the captain first. And knowing his team, they were all probably waiting for Kiyoomi so they could scream in his face. 

He grabbed his bag and house keys, reluctantly making his way to where his team was staying. Like usual, his expression returned to being void of any emotions. He planned to just open the door and say a quick goodbye. Kiyoomi wanted to rush home so that he could ask Komori to send him the interview. He believed that if he watched it before going to bed, he'd finally have a good night's sleep. It was officially deemed as a lucky charm. 

"Meian-san, I'm heading out," Kiyoomi said as he opened the door slightly, peeking his head through the crack. When nobody responded, he pushed it open a little further and frowned when he spotted absolutely nobody in the room. 

Shrugging, he closed the door behind him and made his way outside. His interview was probably boring and they got tired of watching. He couldn't blame them for not sticking around until he finished. 

Nothing could sour Kiyoomi's gratified mood. After finally having a good day in a long while, he was determined to go to bed smiling. 

And that he did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! kiyoomi is happy for once yall :) how shall i ruin it again? 
> 
> it's so obvious who yachi's girlfriend is


End file.
